Preachers might not be Effective Counselors for Trauma Survivors

 

     I know that there are exceptions but for the most part preachers, or clergy if you please, sometimes do not seem to understand women’s trauma issues enough to make good counsel for the survivor. This may be true chiefly because they have never experienced the same type of trauma that some of us have suffered. I am basing this article on not only my own experience, but the countless female survivors that have shared their stories with me.

     This is one reason why my book entitled “Sing in the Night” was written. The book will be on the shelves spring this year, 2015, but I have had so much enquiry about the subject of this article that I felt I had to address it now.

     I believe with all my heart that the average clergyman really wants to help. I believe that they are for the most part sincere in their advice but the advice is sometimes faulty for one very important reason. The reason is, they do not fully understand the full severity of the woman’s trauma.

     The average preacher or person who has never had severe trauma does not understand that there are some trauma experiences that are not just assaults on your body, but assaults on  your soul. Usually in a pastoral counseling session, the preacher does not understand this and is convinced that all the woman has to do is forgive the assailant and all will magically be well.

     The woman who has been a victim of rape or incest walks out of the office feeling guilty and damaged because she (like the preacher) does not understand that forgiveness is only a TINY  part of her healing and not the whole answer to her dilemma.

     I had plenty of experiences like these when I was trying to heal from the childhood experience of abduction by a satanic coven where I was brutally raped and tortured.

     I went from one Christian counselor to the next, one preacher after another trying to find healing and relief. I found neither. So I tried non Christian based counsel and therapy and also received very little relief. There was one Christian PHD that was helpful but most of what I learned about healing came directly from study of the Bible.

     I read the Bible cover to cover several times but never did I find a verse that says forgiving brings emotional healing and wholeness. I found plenty of verses that command to forgive, so I knew that forgiving one’s assailants is Biblical, but I wondered at that time, if forgiveness is all that it takes to be healed, why was I not healed?

     If forgiveness was all that is required for healing, then why have I talked with so many women who have professed to forgive but still bear all the emotional baggage of one NOT healed?

     Telling a trauma survivor that all she needs to do to heal is forgive, is the equivalent of taking a dinner plate shattered into a dozen pieces, gluing one piece in place and then declaring the plate whole, useful, and fixed!

     Today I am a whole healed person but forgiveness was not the complete picture. The complete healing picture is a series of obedient and introspective disciplines that takes time and unfortunately some effort also.

     Compete healing from trauma is a journey that is not finished in one counseling session where forgiveness is the only topic. In fact, real forgiveness usually comes much further down the healing journey and is not the main event, just a  part.

     For instance, it is almost impossible to heal and forgive until the woman has explored and

settled the subject of “boundaries.”

     Boundaries are a very important aspect of healing from deep emotional trauma but the average woman is not counseled to get in touch with this very important area.

     If the offences occurred before the woman was 16 which most do, the woman has been without boundaries most of her life and has no clue that this is an important part of feeling safe and healing.

     I address the subject of boundaries in the book in a more complete way, but know this now,  that boundaries are very important and all females need to cultivate them.

 

For example, when one spouse has been caught cheating on the other spouse, what is one of the first prerequisites to healing the relationship? The answer is boundaries. The wounded spouse always sets boundaries for the offender before complete forgiveness takes place.

     When have you ever heard of the wounded spouse saying to the offender “That’s okay, I forgive you,” before ground rules about future behavior have been set down? Who does that? The answer is  hardly anybody.

     The subject of boundaries is more complicated than this but the subject of the article is not boundaries, it is the fact that one aspect of obedience to God ( namely forgiveness) is not the whole picture of healing.

     If you are like countless women I have talked to who have been given this advice but still feel angry, damaged, frustrated, and alone, know this , you are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings or you experiences of trying to find healing.

     It is sad that so many women who come out of pastoral counseling sessions conceal their guilt and shame because they do not want anyone to think that they have not forgiven. They do not want the preacher to think that they are not spiritual, so they pretend that everything is okay because they have forgiven their assailants, and most truly have forgiven the past, but there is still pain.

     I remember trying to address the problem of still having the guilt, shame and pain just to be told that because I still felt guilt, shame , and pain that I had not fully forgiven my assailants.

     Guilt, shame, anger, boundaries, triggers, low self esteem, and other issues are all separate subjects to deal with and do not dissipate into thin air just because we have forgiven the perpetrator.

     It is sad that countless women might be  on antidepressants because they are emotionally beating themselves up because someone told them that forgiveness was all it takes to be healed and whole, and deep inside where no one else sees, they do not feel whole.

     There is a process of recognizing loss, grieving loss, and other things before most women can begin to think about forgiving and sometimes it takes a bit of time to even identify all the losses.

     Forgiveness takes into account all the losses and has to forgive each one, but how can you do that if you have not yet identified them all?

     In my personal case, I knew that forgiveness was not the whole answer because I knew that even if I could peek into hell at my assailants and watch them suffer, I would not feel better. Getting revenge on someone has no healing aspect.

     In fact, I prayed for their salvation and for them to have a personal relationship with Jesus long before I felt completely healed. Forgiveness is a part, not the whole answer because the deep down issues of what the trauma did to your soul is the real issue and those need identification and time.

     I wish I could go into the aspects of complete healing here but there is not enough space. That is why I wrote the book, but do know this, stop thinking that there is something deeply wrong with you because forgiving your assailant has not made you feel better.

     Forgiving yes, but there is more to your healing than just forgiving. Know that God loves you  and is not happy with the way that you have been treated and it is not your fault.

     If you feel that you cannot forgive at this time, stop beating yourself up but pray and ask God to help you with it. Ask Him to show you what you need to do to get to the forgiving and ask Him how to get there. God will wait for you, He knows you are trying and it is His wish for you to feel whole and healthy inside.

     Keep asking for his guidance and wisdom to show you how to heal, and also forgive those who think that forgiveness is the only answer, they mean you no harm they just have not walked in your shoes.

     Jesus however, has walked in your shoes. He was in all points tempted and abused just as we have been. (  Hebrews 4:15).   He is there for you today.